Heavy, yet Thankful Hearts...

Well, I think my prayer journal best sums up what's recently been going on in my life: 

We lost our referral yesterday. Lord, I’m attempting to process information that seems vague, sketchy and elusive.

I’m devastated.

·         What do I do with the stacks of pictures of “B” that I have all over the house?

·         What do I do with his scrapbook album?

·         How do I process that his sweet little face is not to belong to our family?

Oh Lord! My heart aches with a deep, reverberating anguish. The tears are flowing down my face. How can this be? I wish that it was a dream I could wake up from…something that I discover upon waking was not real. But it is real.

I’m angry.

·         How can we be told one minute that everything at the birthmother’s court appearance went well…smoothly even, only to be told days later that answers she gave to questions in court troubled them enough to ask more questions. The answers to which resulted in the decision that his birthmother is now able to care for “B”, which no longer makes him an orphan? (???)

Lord, how did this happen?

I’m confused.

·         How was the decision made (at this stage in the process) that reunification with his birthmom was the best for him? Who made this decision? What details led to this decision?

·         I don’t feel like I understand all of the details of the story…like I don’t have all of the details of the story. I feel like there are pieces of information missing.

o   What really happened at court that day?

o   What answers troubled them? What questions did they ask?

o   What did they discover? Is there validity to it?

o   Did birthmom express a desire to have her child returned to her, or was this a decision of another party? Does it matter?

Lord, I don’t understand.

I’m worried.

·         I worry about “B”. What will his response to this be when they tell him? How will they tell him? How will this affect him and the losses he has already experienced? What will happen to him? Will he think he’s going back because of something he’s done? Will he feel okay about going back?

·         Will the Hannah’s Hope staff be able to know he’s been safely returned to his mom, not waiting weeks, months or years in the gov’t orphanage for his mother to come and get him?

·         When is an appropriate time to go back on the waitlist for a child? How does that work? How will this affect the other families on the list? How will they feel? They’ve all been waiting so long. The thought of going back onto the list gives me mixed emotions.

Lord, I know there is a purpose in this and that you have been fully aware of all of the details from the beginning, but if he was not meant to be ours, then why? What is the purpose behind these events? Why go through this in the first place? What do you want Eric and I to learn and take away from this? Will “B” be safe Lord? Please protect him. Will he understand what is taking place? Will he know that it is nothing that he has done wrong? Will he be happy/relieved to be reunited with his mom again?

I’m thankful.

·         I’m thankful that this was discovered before we left for Ethiopia and not during or after.

·         I’m thankful that no matter what the outcome, “B” is no longer an orphan…he has someone to claim him.

·         I’m thankful that You are overseeing all of us and all of the details for the good of Your plan.

·         I’m thankful that despite the pain, You have guarded our hearts with peace and assurance of Your hand in this plan.

·         I’m thankful for your everlasting faithfulness in providing EVERYTHING we have needed for this journey and EVERYTHING we will need for continuation of it.

·         I’m thankful for “B’s” birthmom and the circumstances that now make it a possibility for him to be reunited with her.

·         I’m thankful for the staff at Hannah’s Hope and for the staff at our agency, AGCI, who work so hard for all of the parties involved in the adoption process

·         I’m thankful for the FABULOUS and FANTASTICALLY WONDERFUL AGCI family community. Their support and encouragement is unfathomable at times.

Thank you Lord for holding us at this time. Please guide our hearts and minds in these next steps of action.

Love, Nicole