Friday, July 1, 2011

The Monster Within...issues with attachment

Okay, so I have been trying to write this blog entry since May...and am having difficulty with how I want to write it! Partly because it requires me to be quite transparent, but mostly due to difficulty in expressing, in words, what God has been teaching and revealing to me of late. 

So you may be wondering about the picture associated with this post. This picture is actually from a 1970 Season 2 Episode of Where Are You Scooby Doo?, entitled "Nowhere to Hyde", but it is a really great visual representation describing my heart's journey during April and May, as a monster had taken up residence in my heart. I say "had taken up residence", but what I am learning is that it was there before & I just failed to fully recognize it. 

If you've read my previous post(s), you know that adoption is a waiting game with a huge paper trail and no certainty of any kind. Recently we had been waiting for our FDL letter to arrive (a slip of paper that states that you have been "favorably determined" as an adoptive parent -- in its most basic of terms). Now, in an effort to not appear deceptive, I will tell you that we were told the turn-around time was running about 75 days from the date our paperwork was initially received by USCIS (in our case, the end of February). We waited, and waited and waited. Meanwhile we witnessed countless families working with our same agency, who had gone for the fingerprint appointments after us, communicating with and getting updates from their USCIS (United States Citizenship and Immigration Services) case worker and receiving their letters in what seemed like record time. Don't get me wrong, we were SO happy for those families, but the communication we weren't receiving made the waiting much harder. The lack of apparent consistency made it the worst!

And what I began to realize was that I was allowing (at times fully embracing) this circumstance in my life to throw me into a pit of despair. My ever-grounded, faithful husband seemingly welcomed this apparent road block with amazing peace in his heart. Not me. I was vehemently opposed to it, trying to do everything within my power to find out what the hold up was, even wrongly scoffing inside at those who reminded me (correctly, mind you) that this was all a part of God's perfect design to lead us the child or children that He has planned for our family. I KNEW that they were right, and that it was part of His perfect plan. I just didn't want that to be the way it was. I was having a major heart issue (my Mr. Hyde persona, if you will). I wanted to understand why things were unfolding the way that they were, and see the plan and path laid before us, and when I couldn't, inside my spirit rebelled. In the book Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, each persona is part of one person. Maybe this is not the appropriate representation of what my feelings were at the time. Maybe the dueling consciences on my left and right shoulders would have been better? 

Anyway, my Dr. Jekyll side fully recognized the Mr. Hyde taking residence in my spirit. "What is wrong with you?!", I would think to myself. Internally I was allowing myself to defiantly reject the plans of the One who had brought me to this point, and what I have come to realize is my own attachment issues with my father God. I was only okay with trusting Him as long as I could see the path of His plan, and the lack of sight caused me to try and get behind the wheel and steer this ship myself in whatever capacity I could. Hadn't I learned yet that this is NOT what is best for me? No, I hadn't. So much so, that I am only beginning to understand how much I still have to learn about trust and truly surrendering to the will of God and His plan.

Ironically, there has been a theme growing around me in my life since that realization. This summer I have been participating in a Women's Bible Study through my church by Lysa Terkeurst (Proverbs 31 ministries) called Made to Crave. In it she talks of the grumbling Israelites in the wilderness.  Chuck Swindoll, on his radio program, recently spoke of the Israelites who never saw the Promise Land because of their willful disobedience to God. And in a book I am reading now by Francine Rivers (Titled: A Lineage of Grace) about five women in the Bible, I have read about Tamar and Rahab: stories that took place during the desert wandering timeline. A coincidence? I think not. 

I have been living the life of a desert wanderer, willfully putting God to the test and demanding the plan that I want from Him. And He, who is faithful, has been drawing my attention to it. Thank you Father for teaching me that I have not fully trusted in and attached myself to you. Thank you for reminding me that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:27-29 
I pray that you continue to teach me that Your plan is better than my own, and that these experiences will continue to grow me and assist me in preparation for the attachment journey we will go through with our little one(s). 


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About this blog

Welcome to our blog! Thanks for dropping by and visiting us! This blog was created for those of you who wish to follow along with us in our journey as we answer God's call to adoption. Ultimately it is our opportunity to rise up and do what we can to fulfill and make known to others the mandate of James 1:27 - "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after the orphans and widows in their distress and to keep onself from being polluted by the world."

About Us

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We are a mid-west married couple of 9 years, striving to care for the 147 million orphans around the world!

Our Adoption Timeline

11/28/11 - We are back to waiting for a new referral
11/22/11 - We receive word from our caseworker that we have lost our referral
9/21/11 - Referral paperwork and international ped review completed and sent!
9/4/11 - We receive our referral! A precious 6 yr old boy!
6/27/11 - We have finally arrived to the waitlist!
6/17/11 - re-doing some documents for the dossier
6/8/11 - Sent dossier off to our agency for review
6/4/11 - Our FDL FINALLY ARRIVES! Yahoo!
5/24/11 - We get word from our Case Manager that we may submit our dossier without our FDL! Yea!
3/30/11 - USCIS fingerprint appointments for Dept. of Homeland Security

2/9/11 - Notarized homestudy rec'd and re-mailed to AGCI!
1/7/11 - We close on the sale of our house in NW Iowa
11/30/10 - 3rd and final homestudy visit, dossier paperwork completed
11/24/10 - house back in NW Iowa finally goes on the market for sale
10/26/10 - 2nd homestudy visit
10/15/10 - Eric is finally able to secure his company transfer and relocate himself as well
9/30/10 - After securing living arrangements post-relocation, we have our first homestudy visit
8/17/10 - We receive notification that some paperwork families will be transferring caseworkers...we are transferred to Toni!
8/17/10 - Nic relocates to central Iowa to begin new teaching position the following day...a move is in the works...adoption paperwork, education and homestudy arrangements put on hold
8/13/10 - Nic rec'd call from a friend to interview for a last-minute teacher opening in central Iowa
6/7/10 - First paperwork call with our caseworker, Brandi; we begin the adoption education and dossier paperwork process
5/15/10 - Mailed orientation packet documents and first payment
4/13/10 - AGCI adoption orientation packet rec'd in mail
4/8/10 - AGCI international adoption application as part of the Ethiopia program approved!
3/16/10 - Official adoption application submitted to AGCI with initial fee
11/01/09 - Pre-application submitted to AGCI
10/27/09 - Request for more information on international adoption received by our (now) agency, All God's Children International

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