Okay, so I have been trying to write this blog entry since May...and am having difficulty with how I want to write it! Partly because it requires me to be quite transparent, but mostly due to difficulty in expressing, in words, what God has been teaching and revealing to me of late.
So you may be wondering about the picture associated with this post. This picture is actually from a 1970 Season 2 Episode of Where Are You Scooby Doo?, entitled "Nowhere to Hyde", but it is a really great visual representation describing my heart's journey during April and May, as a monster had taken up residence in my heart. I say "had taken up residence", but what I am learning is that it was there before & I just failed to fully recognize it.
If you've read my previous post(s), you know that adoption is a waiting game with a huge paper trail and no certainty of any kind. Recently we had been waiting for our FDL letter to arrive (a slip of paper that states that you have been "favorably determined" as an adoptive parent -- in its most basic of terms). Now, in an effort to not appear deceptive, I will tell you that we were told the turn-around time was running about 75 days from the date our paperwork was initially received by USCIS (in our case, the end of February). We waited, and waited and waited. Meanwhile we witnessed countless families working with our same agency, who had gone for the fingerprint appointments after us, communicating with and getting updates from their USCIS (United States Citizenship and Immigration Services) case worker and receiving their letters in what seemed like record time. Don't get me wrong, we were SO happy for those families, but the communication we weren't receiving made the waiting much harder. The lack of apparent consistency made it the worst!
And what I began to realize was that I was allowing (at times fully embracing) this circumstance in my life to throw me into a pit of despair. My ever-grounded, faithful husband seemingly welcomed this apparent road block with amazing peace in his heart. Not me. I was vehemently opposed to it, trying to do everything within my power to find out what the hold up was, even wrongly scoffing inside at those who reminded me (correctly, mind you) that this was all a part of God's perfect design to lead us the child or children that He has planned for our family. I KNEW that they were right, and that it was part of His perfect plan. I just didn't want that to be the way it was. I was having a major heart issue (my Mr. Hyde persona, if you will). I wanted to understand why things were unfolding the way that they were, and see the plan and path laid before us, and when I couldn't, inside my spirit rebelled. In the book Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, each persona is part of one person. Maybe this is not the appropriate representation of what my feelings were at the time. Maybe the dueling consciences on my left and right shoulders would have been better?
Anyway, my Dr. Jekyll side fully recognized the Mr. Hyde taking residence in my spirit. "What is wrong with you?!", I would think to myself. Internally I was allowing myself to defiantly reject the plans of the One who had brought me to this point, and what I have come to realize is my own attachment issues with my father God. I was only okay with trusting Him as long as I could see the path of His plan, and the lack of sight caused me to try and get behind the wheel and steer this ship myself in whatever capacity I could. Hadn't I learned yet that this is NOT what is best for me? No, I hadn't. So much so, that I am only beginning to understand how much I still have to learn about trust and truly surrendering to the will of God and His plan.
Ironically, there has been a theme growing around me in my life since that realization. This summer I have been participating in a Women's Bible Study through my church by Lysa Terkeurst (Proverbs 31 ministries) called Made to Crave. In it she talks of the grumbling Israelites in the wilderness. Chuck Swindoll, on his radio program, recently spoke of the Israelites who never saw the Promise Land because of their willful disobedience to God. And in a book I am reading now by Francine Rivers (Titled: A Lineage of Grace) about five women in the Bible, I have read about Tamar and Rahab: stories that took place during the desert wandering timeline. A coincidence? I think not.
I have been living the life of a desert wanderer, willfully putting God to the test and demanding the plan that I want from Him. And He, who is faithful, has been drawing my attention to it. Thank you Father for teaching me that I have not fully trusted in and attached myself to you. Thank you for reminding me that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
I pray that you continue to teach me that Your plan is better than my own, and that these experiences will continue to grow me and assist me in preparation for the attachment journey we will go through with our little one(s).
Nicole
